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Humor 2

WARNING! Some site visitors may find the language below offensive! Proceed with caution!

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Custer's Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all these fucking Indians!'"

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Cavalry drill

A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill. His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the captain suddenly cried, "Halt."

The well-trained horses halted in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by surprise, went sailing over his horse's head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a magnificent cactus bush.

The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, "Who in the hell told you to dismount?" he cried.

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"The Cav in Heaven"

         An old infantry soldier died and went to Heaven.  At the pearly gates he was greeted by Saint Peter, "Hey! Glad to see you made it!  You deserved to come to Heaven and we need more "grunts" up here. 

The old grunt smiled and was about to step into Heaven when he stopped and said, "Saint Pete, you don't have any "CAV" up here, do you?  They picked on me my whole career, throwing MRE's, beer, and Coke cans at me as they rode by. I hate "CAV"!   

"No way!" said Saint Peter.  "There ain't no "CAV" here.  They stay down at Fiddlers Green."  

So the old grunt stepped into Heaven and immediately saw a gigantic cloud with a gun tube sticking out of it.  The old grunt heard all hell breaking loose - girls laughing and screaming. raucus music playing, and bottles breaking.  "Hey!  That's "CAV"!  You lied to me!"     

"No, no, no", said Saint Peter.  "That's the mechanized infantry."

The old grunt took no more than a few steps when he heard an even louder racket coming from another cloud which had an even bigger gun tube sticking out of it.  "That's "CAV"!, he screamed hysterically.

"Calm down", said Saint Peter.  "That's the field artillery - the guys that used to bail you out when things got rough on the battlefield."  

So the old grunt took another few steps and was immediately confronted by a Kiowa Warrior helicopter screaming around the corner, the gunner hunched over his sights, firing rockets and Hellfire missiles everywhere.  The pilot wore a Stetson, was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels in his left hand and a beautiful blond in his right arm.  Crossed sabres were painted on the side of the chopper.     "CAV! CAV!  That's the CAV!", screamed the old grunt.

 "NAW", said Saint Peter, "That's GOD.  He just thinks He's "CAV".

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The difference between Infantry, Armored Cavalry, and Artillery

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVORITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cav
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

WHAT OTHERS CALL THEM
Infantry: Grunts
Cavalry: Zipperheads
Artillery: Drop shorts

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Found on lighthorseaircav.com

The Air Cavalryman
As Seen By:

Headquarters: An elitist prick. A drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying ass kicker with faded jungle fatigues, illegal mustache, a yellow neckerchief, a sword and a brown cowboy hat. "His high number of KBA’s helps us overlook the little indiscretions".

His Commander: A fine specimen of an elite, drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying butt kicker in a barely serviceable uniform, with a slightly marginal mustache, a nifty looking yellow Cav scarf, a dress saber, and a tan Cavaly hat. "All of those KBA’s are dandy and are direct reflections on me and enhances my career. I may make Major General"!

Himself: A stout hearted, handsome, highly trained professional killing machine. Suave and debonair (swavy & deboner), a true male God to all females, he wears jungle fatigues that were tailored downtown while he was "entertaining" at "Ci Ci’s Steam & Cream". He earned his grubby yellow scarf by drinking from D Troop’s special "cup" and can still smell some of the contents which stuck in his long droopy mustache. The saber is razor sharp and ready for that rare chance of a "Saber Kill". He wears the Silver-belly Tan Stetson that he paid 30 hard earned bucks for and waited three months for the mail to deliver. He’s proud to be in a unit like this even if they won’t let him get KBA’s at Christmas time.

His wife/girlfriend/rented companionship during R&R: A skinny, gross, crude, foul-mouthed bum with a hard-on who showed up drunk and with the clap. "He started peeling the uniform off at the airport, all but the nasty yellow rag around his neck and that mangy looking gray cowboy hat. What we won’t do for money or a trip to Hawaii. What the hell is a KBA?"

Department of the Army: An overpaid, over sexed, over-rated tax burden who is indispensable but expendable. He will volunteer to go anywhere as long as he can drink, brawl, corrupt women, fly and fight. He sings dirty party songs in the presence of VIPs, wears un-military looking uniforms, grows unauthorized facial hair, wears unauthorized neck accouterments, carries unauthorized edged weapons at inappropriate times and flaunts his unauthorized head gear. Hell, he doesn’t even wear the right color of unauthorized head gear. But… He gets results and KBA’s make good press.

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The Anal Equinox Prevents The Reversal
Of The Adiabatic Lapse Rate (for you pilots!)

 The Anal Equinox is a rare event that occurs when some helicopter pilots make ever tightening, successive, 360 degree turns. They actually cross the rectal event horizon and fly up their own alimentary canals.
 This phenomena was seen mainly among helicopter Scout pilots in Vietnam. Occasionally they could completely disappear for short periods of time. Cobra high bird crews can attest to this fact.
 WARNING!   Non-Scout type aviators must not attempt this maneuver without the supervision of an onboard, qualified instructor pilot.
 Some less skilled pilots attempting the maneuver only partially encountered the Equinox to their shoulders and suffered the dreaded Rectal/Cranial Inversion (RCI) and thus exacerbated the condition by depriving the brain of oxygen, usually resulting in catastrophic uncontrolled aircraft contact with the ground.
 The secrets of the Anal Equinox were never taught in flight school and are closely guarded by the Aero-Scout community. The uninitiated are unable to complete the process and are often doomed to repeat iterations of the RCI.
 

The Old Scout

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The Ambush

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Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2.Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. The problem with the easy way out is that it's usually mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
8. If you can't remember, then the Claymore IS pointed at you.
9. A "sucking chest wound" is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
10. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
11. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone else around you.
12. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
13. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
14. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
15. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
16. Friendly fire isn't.
17. The most dangerous thing in the world is a 2nd lieutenant with a map and compass.
18. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
19. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
20. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
21. Tracers work both ways.
22. It's not the one with your name on it, it's the one marked "To whom it may concern" that you've got to worry about.
23. Walking point= sniper bait.
24. If it's stupid and works, it isn't.
25. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
26. Things that must be shipped as a set, aren't.
27. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and never volunteer.
28. As soon as you're served hot food in the field, it rains.
29. No matter which way you have to march, it's uphill.
30. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
31. Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.
32. Beer Math- 2 beers X 37 men = 49 cases.
33. Body Count Math- 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 38 enemy killed.
34. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal of Honor.
35. The cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue!

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Saving the Cavalry
(Warning - lame joke!)

I guess that you never heard how my Great Great Great Half Uncle Herman once saved an entire company of US cavalry from marauding indians.

The indians had been chasing the cavalry all across Arizona (as it would be) and had finally almost cornered them when they stumbled across my GGGHU Herman. Sizing up the situation quickly, he told the Captain to have his company follow and then lead the whole company up an almost impassible path to the top of a mesa.

Now the indians couldn't get up the path, and the soldiers couldn't get down, so it looked like it was a contest to see who could out wait the other.

Things looked pretty good, until the soldiers discovered that their water cask had sprung a leak and that they had almost no water left.

Things didn't improve much when the sun rose and the temperature started climbing, climbing, climbing, and climbing. But the soldiers made it through the first day.

The second day was a repeat of the first, except that it really got hot and, no matter how strictly they had tried to ration the water, by nightfall there wasn't a drop in the soldier's camp.

The soldiers were, needless to say but I will anyways, pretty ticked off with my GGGHU Herman - they figured that if they hadn't come up onto the mesa they might have had a slim chance to evade the indians. But my GGGHU Herman told them not to worry because he knew these indians well and they couldn't keep up a siege for very long.

When the soldiers asked my GGGUH Herman what he meant by that he told them that the longest that this tribe of indians had ever been known to keep siege was a week.

Well, since there were five days to go and no water to go with it, the soldiers started looking pretty mutinous, but my GGGHU Herman quieted them and quickly set them to work cutting down all of the saplings they could find on the top of the mesa.

The soldiers couldn't figure out what my GGGHU Herman was up to, but any action was better than nothing - although they did start to grumble when he told them to hollow the saplings out and join them together.

Finally, unable to take it any longer, the company's SgtMaj asked my GGGHU Herman what he was going to do with the hollow saplings.

"Get water.", my GGGHU Herman replied.

"Where?", he was asked.

"From down there.", he replied pointing to the small spring that bubbled (for some unknown geological reason) out of the side of the mesa and into a pool about half way down.

"How?", he was asked.

"Just wait.", he said and settled in to wait until the sun sank.

Finally the sun sank and my GGGHU Herman supervised the soldiers as the fitted the hollow saplings together and slowly lowered them over the edge of the mesa and down until they formed a pipe from the pool to the top of the mesa.

"Well?", the SgtMaj asked.

"Just wait.", my GGGHU Herman replied as he rummaged in his saddlebags and pulled out several glass jars.

My GGGHU Herman then walked over to the pipe, opened the jars, and dropped the contents carefully down the pipe.

Within minutes water started bubbling out of the pipe and soon the soldiers had all the water that they needed as well as full canteens and waterbags.

"What did you put down that pipe, man?", the Captain asked.

"Pickles.", my GGGHU Herman replied, "Everyone knows that dill waters run steep.".

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Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On!
A Cowboy's Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender

Here's an excerpt from the book, good common sense advice:

• Crisis management principle: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Negotiation principle: Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
• Other Guidelines: If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• A good horse never comes in a bad color.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
• Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.  Neither one works.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are three kinds of men:  The one that learns by reading... The few who learn by observation... And the rest, who have to piss on the electric fence for themselves...!!

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Mister Dismount-Ed

The Dismounted Cavalry Song

(Sung to the tune of the "Mister Ed" theme song)

A horse is a horse and it follows of course,
That a cavalryman rides on a horse, per course,
That is, unless he happens to be,
Dismounted Cavalry!

What is the reason? I see no need, For all good horse-soldiers to perch on a steed, Quite a few are happy to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Let others march around and drill and waste their time of day; The horseless cav will form for a charge and quickly hit the hay!

Go right to the source and ask this force, They'll tell you why they have no horse, It's 'cause it really authentic to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Others are cruel and call them farbs, But the dismounted cav ignores these barbs, They know everyone secretly craves to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

The dismounted cav does its thing and ignores the yells and whoops, That dismounted cav makes no more sense than parachute-less paratroops!

A horse is a horse and it follows of course, That no true cavalryman rides a horse, The most authentic are proud to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Dis-moun-ted Cav-al-ryyyy!

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ARMY vs. NAVY

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire-fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."

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