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More Cavalry Humor

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The Military Rank Structure:

1. A General = Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and gives policy to God.

2. A Colonel = Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful that a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm and talks to God.

3. A Lieutenant Colonel = Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster that a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool and talks to God if a special request is approved.

4. A Major = Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by God.

5. A Captain = Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, can dog paddle and talks to animals.

6. A First Lieutenant = Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed and talks to water.

7. A Second Lieutenant = Falls over door sill when trying to enter buildings, says "Look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

8. An NCO = Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, freezes water with a single glance.... and is God.

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Two things Cavalry troopers are always taught:

Keep your priorities in order

Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.

" I'm waiting God, if you're real knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 5 minutes, the professor taunted God saying,

"Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Cavalry soldier, just released from the Army after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The Cav trooper hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked.
They began to babble in confusion. The Cav soldier nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent.....waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Cav soldier in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked:

"What the hell is the matter with you?! Why did you do that!?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole!!! So he sent me!!"

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The "NEW" Armor Terminology!

Police-Up: An Infantry operation to defeat the remaining enemy on an
objective after Armor forces by-pass or attempt to avoid confrontation.

Primary hammer, The Hammer: A cool operational term to impress a superior
when describing the finishing force, or the main effort.

Back-Stop: A term used to cover a staff failure to properly wargame a
course of action. A term used by infantry showing how "Hope" is a method
incorporated to defeat the enemy. " If the enemy gets through the
engagement area, we have Delta Company placed here - to back stop the
Battalion defense."

Paint the Picture: A term used to gather information and assess the
situation. Usually asked by senior leaders to junior leaders. Usually
invoked after the senior leader has gotten 8 hours of sleep and knows
absolutely nothing of the tactical situation, while the battle captain has
been up all night.

Critical Terrain: Terrain that if not secured, grabbed, taken or camped
out on - you are screwed. A new category to describe terrain in FM 34-130
(Critical - Decisive - Key).

Hey, Diddle, Diddle: Group of words used to describe a possible COA that
allows for no analytical thought and ensures a minimum 75% casualty rate.
Known also, to the USMC, as High, Diddle, Diddle.

Flex : A really cool sounding non-doctrinal term used to maneuver a unit
from one location to another. Used primarily when you don't have a clue
where you are or how to get to the new location.

Technique: A noun, used in the phrase, "That's a technique." Translated,
"That's a really messed up way to execute this operation and you will
probably kill your entire unit. But if you want to do it that way, go
ahead."

Hang out: To establish a position characterized by a total lack of
security, soldiers asleep in hammocks and a huge BBQ pit turning out chow.
A task usually accomplished by Air Defenders.

Bells and whistles: An inordinate amount of PowerPoint graphics/animation,
not required to get necessary information communicated to another
individual or group of individuals. Commonly associated with Canine and
Equestrian Theater.

Blah, Blah, Blah: Short for, "You know what I'm going to say anyway, so
I'm not going to waste our time to actually say it." Also Yada Yada Yada,
or Homina Homina, or humma humma humma.

Let's Rock Baby: Radio Communications pro-word for, "Guidons, this is 2
Panther 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over."

Drive By: Engaging the enemy while bypassing. Meets both the destruction
and bypass criteria given in the OPORD.

Zipping Around: An aviation movement technique in which the helicopters
appear to fly around aimlessly at a high rate of speed impressing the
Ground Combat Troops with their speed and dash.

Goocy (Gucci) Move: Altering Commander's Intent, commander's guidance, or
violating the fundamentals of reconnaissance or security operations.

Befuddled: Confused, characterized by a state of genuine, profound
disorientation; perpetual state of all Chemical units.

Kabookie Dance: Deceptive movement technique and/or creative verbiage used
in explanations designed to baffle enemy forces as to the main axis of
advance as well as perplex higher chains of command on what the true
purpose of your mission really is. Common most among the Field Artillery.

Flail-Ex: Also known as the planning process.

SELFCON - This is when a junior commander (usually a captain) comes to the
realization that his higher is completely clueless (perhaps even
befuddled) so he simply attaches himself and his command to another unit.

Cheetah Flips: The Course of Action Development phase of the Military
Decision Making Process (MDMP) in an imagined crisis environment (often
replicated by headquarters during daily operations).

Squirrel Ex: The Wargaming phase of the MDMP after all Cheetah Flips are
completed, briefed and refined. The Squirrel Ex phase normally culminates
with a 102 color slide briefing clearly outlining what can be said in a
well written paragraph (formerly known as the Commander's intent and / or
concept of the operation) this phase is often called a Cheese Ex. This is
the Force XXI cause of the "Fog of War".

Take-Down: An aggressive former wrestling term used to describe your
actions on the objective and inherent lack of regard for the enemy's
capabilities.

Mop-up: A term for the actions occurring just after you discover you are
actually on the objective, in the enemy's fire-sack.

Phase: Infantry term for we don't know how to write paragraph three.

Hit: Term for applying massed effects against the enemy. As in " First
we'll hit these guys over here then we'll hit these guys, and then the
guys over here will be hit with asymmetrical dominance from assets from
EAC."

Triple-Hull Down: A term associated with force-protection, fratricide and
self-preservation. In order to prevent being fired on by friends when
saying something stupid, hiding from the boss who has a tasker that only
you can fill, or to cover yourself from being smoked by anyone.

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This is my PowerPoint.

There are many like it but mine is 2002.

My PowerPoint is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my life.

My PowerPoint without me is useless. Without my PowerPoint, I am useless.

I must format my slides true. I must brief them better than the other J-cells who are trying to out brief me. I must brief the impact on the CINC before he asks me. I will!

My PowerPoint and myself know that what counts in this war is not the number of slides, quantity of animations, the colors of the highlights, or the format of the bullets. We know that it is the new information that counts. We will brief only new information!

My PowerPoint is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus I will learn it as a brother.

I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its fonts, its accessories, its formats, and its colors.

I will keep my PowerPoint slides current and ready to brief. We will become part of each other. We will!

Before God I swear this creed. My PowerPoint and myself are defenders of my country. We are the masters of our subject. We are the saviors of my career.

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