Humor

WARNING! Some site visitors may find the language below offensive! Proceed with caution!

---

The Ambush

---

Custer’s Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.” Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire. “Why that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly. “No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!” “And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all these fucking Indians!’”

Top

_______________________________________________________________________________

Cavalry drill

A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill. His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the captain suddenly cried, “Halt.”

The well-trained horses halted in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by surprise, went sailing over his horse’s head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a magnificent cactus bush.

The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, “Who in the hell told you to dismount?” he cried.

Top

_______________________________________________________________________________

“The Cav in Heaven”

An old infantry soldier died and went to Heaven.  At the pearly gates he was greeted by Saint Peter, “Hey! Glad to see you made it!  You deserved to come to Heaven and we need more “grunts” up here.

The old grunt smiled and was about to step into Heaven when he stopped and said, “Saint Pete, you don’t have any “CAV” up here, do you?  They picked on me my whole career, throwing MRE’s, beer, and Coke cans at me as they rode by. I hate “CAV”!

“No way!” said Saint Peter.  “There ain’t no “CAV” here.  They stay down at Fiddlers Green.”

So the old grunt stepped into Heaven and immediately saw a gigantic cloud with a gun tube sticking out of it.  The old grunt heard all hell breaking loose – girls laughing and screaming. raucus music playing, and bottles breaking.  “Hey!  That’s “CAV”!  You lied to me!”

“No, no, no”, said Saint Peter.  “That’s the mechanized infantry.”

The old grunt took no more than a few steps when he heard an even louder racket coming from another cloud which had an even bigger gun tube sticking out of it.  “That’s “CAV”!, he screamed hysterically.

“Calm down”, said Saint Peter.  “That’s the field artillery – the guys that used to bail you out when things got rough on the battlefield.”

So the old grunt took another few steps and was immediately confronted by a Kiowa Warrior helicopter screaming around the corner, the gunner hunched over his sights, firing rockets and Hellfire missiles everywhere.  The pilot wore a Stetson, was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels in his left hand and a beautiful blond in his right arm.  Crossed sabres were painted on the side of the chopper.     “CAV! CAV!  That’s the CAV!”, screamed the old grunt.

“NAW”, said Saint Peter, “That’s GOD.  He just thinks He’s “CAV”.

Top

_____________________________________________________

The difference between Infantry, Armored Cavalry, and Artillery

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

REGARD OTHER BRANCHES AS
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to “pepper-pot” an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on “full stab”
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVORITE SONG
Infantry: “Ballad of the Green Beret”
Cavalry: “Purple Haze”
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What’s a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don’t you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don’t care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton’s coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cav
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

WHAT OTHERS CALL THEM
Infantry: Grunts
Cavalry: Zipperheads
Artillery: Drop shorts

Top

_________________________________________________________________________________

Found on lighthorseaircav.com

The Air Cavalryman As Seen By:

Headquarters: An elitist prick. A drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying ass kicker with faded jungle fatigues, illegal mustache, a yellow neckerchief, a sword and a brown cowboy hat. “His high number of KBA’s helps us overlook the little indiscretions”.

His Commander: A fine specimen of an elite, drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying butt kicker in a barely serviceable uniform, with a slightly marginal mustache, a nifty looking yellow Cav scarf, a dress saber, and a tan Cavaly hat. “All of those KBA’s are dandy and are direct reflections on me and enhances my career. I may make Major General”!

Himself: A stout hearted, handsome, highly trained professional killing machine. Suave and debonair (swavy & deboner), a true male God to all females, he wears jungle fatigues that were tailored downtown while he was “entertaining” at “Ci Ci’s Steam & Cream”. He earned his grubby yellow scarf by drinking from D Troop’s special “cup” and can still smell some of the contents which stuck in his long droopy mustache. The saber is razor sharp and ready for that rare chance of a “Saber Kill”. He wears the Silver-belly Tan Stetson that he paid 30 hard earned bucks for and waited three months for the mail to deliver. He’s proud to be in a unit like this even if they won’t let him get KBA’s at Christmas time.

His wife/girlfriend/rented companionship during R&R: A skinny, gross, crude, foul-mouthed bum with a hard-on who showed up drunk and with the clap. “He started peeling the uniform off at the airport, all but the nasty yellow rag around his neck and that mangy looking cowboy hat. What we won’t do for money or a trip to Hawaii. What the hell is a KBA?”

Department of the Army: An overpaid, over sexed, over-rated tax burden who is indispensable but expendable. He will volunteer to go anywhere as long as he can drink, brawl, corrupt women, fly and fight. He sings dirty party songs in the presence of VIPs, wears un-military looking uniforms, grows unauthorized facial hair, wears unauthorized neck accouterments, carries unauthorized edged weapons at inappropriate times and flaunts his unauthorized head gear. Hell, he doesn’t even wear the right color of unauthorized head gear. But… He gets results and KBA’s make good press.

Top

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The Anal Equinox Prevents The Reversal Of The Adiabatic Lapse Rate (for you pilots!)

The Anal Equinox is a rare event that occurs when some helicopter pilots make ever tightening, successive, 360 degree turns. They actually cross the rectal event horizon and fly up their own alimentary canals.

This phenomena was seen mainly among helicopter Scout pilots in Vietnam. Occasionally they could completely disappear for short periods of time. Cobra high bird crews can attest to this fact.

WARNING!   Non-Scout type aviators must not attempt this maneuver without the supervision of an onboard, qualified instructor pilot.

Some less skilled pilots attempting the maneuver only partially encountered the Equinox to their shoulders and suffered the dreaded Rectal/Cranial Inversion (RCI) and thus exacerbated the condition by depriving the brain of oxygen, usually resulting in catastrophic uncontrolled aircraft contact with the ground.

The secrets of the Anal Equinox were never taught in flight school and are closely guarded by the Aero-Scout community. The uninitiated are unable to complete the process and are often doomed to repeat iterations of the RCI.

The Old Scout
Top

____________________________________________________________________________________

Murphy’s Laws of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2.Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. The problem with the easy way out is that it’s usually mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
8. If you can’t remember, then the Claymore IS pointed at you.
9. A “sucking chest wound” is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
10. If your attack is going well, then it’s an ambush.
11. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone else around you.
12. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
13. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
14. If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
15. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
16. Friendly fire isn’t.
17. The most dangerous thing in the world is a 2nd lieutenant with a map and compass.
18. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an air strike.
20. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
21. Tracers work both ways.
22. It’s not the one with your name on it, it’s the one marked “To whom it may concern” that you’ve got to worry about.
23. Walking point= sniper bait.
24. If it’s stupid and works, it isn’t.
25. No combat ready unit ever passed inspection.
26. Things that must be shipped as a set, aren’t.
27. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and never volunteer.
28. As soon as you’re served hot food in the field, it rains.
29. No matter which way you have to march, it’s uphill.
30. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
31. Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.
32. Beer Math- 2 beers X 37 men = 49 cases.
33. Body Count Math- 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 38 enemy killed.
34. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal of Honor.
35. The cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue! (I personally call “Bullshit on this one).

Top

_____________________________________________________

Saving the Cavalry

This joke has been removed due to excessive lameness

Top

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Don’t Squat With Yer Spurs On!
A Cowboy’s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender

Here’s an excerpt from the book, good common sense advice:

• Crisis management principle: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment
• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
• Negotiation principle: Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
• Other Guidelines: If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
• A good horse never comes in a bad color.
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
• Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
• There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman.  Neither one works.
• Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
• Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
• It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
• Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are three kinds of men:  The one that learns by reading… The few who learn by observation… And the rest, who have to piss on the electric fence for themselves…!!

________________________________________________________________________________

Cavalry Horse (explicit language)
A cavalry battalion has just been assigned a new Sergeant. The guy is a mean s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean up the base.Right before he leaves, the sergeant sees this ratty old nasty horse and says, “And for God’s sakes… get rid of this old horse”. Later that night a private comes to the sergeant and pleads his case. “Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but there’s no women around and the old horse is the only thing we got.” The sergeant sympathizes and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin’ the old itch, so he decides he’s gonna give it a shot. He says, “Private… prepare the horse”. He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When he finishes he says, “So private, is that the way the men do it?” The private responds, “Well Sir… we usually ride it into town to the whorehouse but I guess that could work too…”

_______________________________________________________________________________

Mister Dismount-Ed – The Dismounted Cavalry Song

by Mal Stylo

(Sung to the tune of the “Mister Ed” theme song)

A horse is a horse and it follows of course,
That a cavalryman rides on a horse, per course,
That is, unless he happens to be,
Dismounted Cavalry!

What is the reason? I see no need, For all good horse-soldiers to perch on a steed, Quite a few are happy to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Let others march around and drill and waste their time of day; The horseless cav will form for a charge and quickly hit the hay!

Go right to the source and ask this force, They’ll tell you why they have no horse, It’s ’cause it really authentic to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Others are cruel and call them farbs, But the dismounted cav ignores these barbs, They know everyone secretly craves to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

The dismounted cav does its thing and ignores the yells and whoops, That dismounted cav makes no more sense than parachute-less paratroops!

A horse is a horse and it follows of course, That no true cavalryman rides a horse, The most authentic are proud to be, Dismounted Cavalry!

Dis-moun-ted Cav-al-ryyyy!

_______________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

ARMY vs. NAVY

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Rangers,” the SFC declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire-fight, we’d shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!” Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, “Yeah, figures… all shore duty.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

Humor Page Two

Send us your jokes, clips, and humor!

_______________________________________________________________________________

A funny version of the history of the Kiowa Warrior found on KiowaPilots.com by Sparky,

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; nor were there even Victor Airways. And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. He maketh the light of day come way too soon, verily, and the fall of night he also called, Miller Time. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. Heaven is surely a wet place to this day, it all depends on from wherest thou calls home. Humid, clearly, at the very least. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: On the land he maketh the hangars and runways, and a multitude of smaller taxiways dotted with little blue lights, and God made the seas dark and deep, and just about right for carriers and fast frigates. And God saw that it was good.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth, and do not forget the hops and barley for the making of beer: and it was so. And God saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness, and to provide ambient illumination for night flights and Field Grade NVG qualifications: and God saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, except for where the cursed fisherman may languish, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth, but just watch out for aircraft engine intakes, and mostly look out for hunters, they will surely strike thee down and eat thy flesh over a charcoal grill. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. And God made the beast and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth became fodder for steaks, chops, tenderloin and burger: and God saw that it was good. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over the grill and hearth, and over a great assortment of backyard barbeque accessories, not the least of which is vessel of ice and beers.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: stay together for a number of years at least, before the shadow of doubt and mistrust, and darkness and divorce befall you, but in the meantime, have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the whole business of shopping for groceries, sundries, and draperies and such upon the earth.

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of the plant yielding barley and hops; to you it shall be for beer. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that needeth hauling or transport somewhere, wherein there is a mission of some import, I have given you the UH-1 Iroquois, and it was so.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and the man and woman who would soon be turning JP-4 into noise, and making a great rattling noise yea even after Quiet Hours, and over all the host of ungrateful taxpayers. And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made. These are the generations of the sports teams and the sports fans who love them, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, he layeth down on the couch to watch some NFL, and to slake his thirst there was the beer, and there was not a wife in the heavens to complain, and it was good.

But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground, although it did clear up by lunchtime. And the LORD God formed base-fields, stage-fields, gunnery ranges and heliports of the dust of the ground, and offered them a marginal budget for upkeep; and Army Aviation was born.

And the LORD God planted a training center eastward of Mississippi, just west of Elba; and there he put the man whom he had formed. And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every pine tree that is pleasant to the sight, and multitudes of peanuts, and also convenience stores and used car lots. The tree of life also in the midst of the garden, known as the Operators Manual of knowledge of good and evil. And a river went out of the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into a fishing lake with an unreliable spillway.

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the UH-1 to fly it and to keep it regularly aloft. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: And of the Operators Manual of the knowledge of good and evil, thou must study thusly: for in the day that thou slacken in thy studies thou shalt surely die.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should fly the Huey and the Huey alone; I will make him an aircraft fleet of skid, light of fuel capacity, short of tail rotor authority, and small of engine.
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of the Huey’s rib-spars, and closed up the sheet metal instead thereof; And the rib-spar, which the LORD God had taken from Huey, made he a Kiowa, and brought it unto the man.

And Adam said, This is now more like it: she shall be called Kiowa, because she was taken out of Iroquois, not that that necessarily makes any sense. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall go off to flight school, and pursue the Scout Track, and whenever he is not deployed overseas, he shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. For he was a Kiowa Pilot.

And it was very good.